Forget Me Not (Escape Contemporary Romance) Page 17

  ‘You’ve told me our relationship went downhill, that we didn’t just break up overnight,’ he said. ‘Was that where it all started? Did things fall apart because of the baby we lost?’

  That was the first time he’d ever referred to Matthew as a baby. It had always been a pregnancy, the miscarriage, that fetus, never anything more.

  The day after she’d found out she was pregnant Stefan had bought a teddy bear, and Claire had never been sure if the present had been meant for her or for the baby.

  Being Stefan, no ordinary teddy bear would do. It had to be the best. So he’d hunted down the perfect teddy, with the softest fur and the cutest expression, and the silkiest bow tie. And given it to her.

  Many months later, Claire had received the letter and wanted to keep it with the teddy, and put them aside together in a memory chest, but the teddy was gone. She turned the apartment upside down looking for it. When Stefan came home, she asked if he’d seen it.

  I got rid of it, he’d said.

  Claire stood frozen to the spot, staring at him like an idiot.

  We’ve got to put it behind us. If you keep going about the past, we’ll never have a future together.

  That had been it. End of discussion.

  Claire hadn’t understood then why he’d done it and still didn’t. She never would.

  She had the letter, which had helped her heal on the inside, but between them nothing had ever been the same again.

  Was that the moment things started going downhill between them? She didn’t know anymore.

  ‘I’ve thought about it many times before,’ Claire said, ‘but I don’t have a clear answer. Things were bad between us when I lost the baby and then they just kept getting worse. I don’t honestly know if one thing caused the other, or if we broke up because of that. I only know I felt the most important thing in my life slipping between my fingers and I couldn’t do anything about it.’

  Stefan held her gaze. ‘You loved me, didn’t you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Damn it, Claire loved him even now. She’d never stopped loving him, not when they were arguing, not when he walked out the door, and not afterwards.

  The words were on the tip of her tongue.

  I’ve always loved you. She knew it, felt it in her heart, in every cell in her body.

  But Claire couldn’t say them to this man, who was a stranger and a lover and an old friend all at once. ‘I can’t change the past,’ Stefan said. ‘For me, it’s like I was there and I wasn’t at the same time.’

  ‘You were there all right, but I can’t blame you for what you’ve done in a previous life.’

  ‘I’m trying to make amends, trying to be a better person.’

  Claire smiled wanly. ‘You’re a much better listener than you used to be, much more sympathetic.’

  Reaching for her hand, Stefan slid his hands over hers. ‘I want us to make a go of this. We were good together once, and you’ve admit as much to me. We can be good together again.’

  How many nights had Claire lain awake hoping to hear those very words? Every night for six months after they’d separated she’d kept hoping the impossible would happen. Yet Stefan hadn’t wanted her back then and it wouldn’t fix things if he did now.

  At first she’d tried to call him and left messages, but when he finally called back, he said he wanted space. She couldn’t force him to love her, couldn’t force him to come back.

  Stefan’s amnesia had been close to a miracle. His affliction had brought them together for this brief, sweet, painful time, but it was not going to last.

  Claire looked him in the eye. ‘No, it’ll never work.’

  ‘We worked as a couple for ten years. We can work again.’

  She pulled her hand back. ‘There’s too much history between us. Can’t you see?’

  ‘No, I can’t. That’s the whole point. I don’t know the history. I feel like I have the chance to begin again.’

  ‘And the more you find out, the more you’ll see that this won’t work.’

  ‘Jesus, Claire, you’ve got me over a barrel with that one.’ Stefan curled his hand into a fist and punched his thigh. ‘My mind is empty; there is nothing there. Can’t you see this is killing me?’

  In the past, Claire had been weak and had let him have his way too often. She was stronger now.

  ‘I’m sorry, Stefan, but this was always going to end badly and there was nothing either of us could do about it. I didn’t plan to lead you on. I told you from the start that I could only give you two weeks. I never promised you more.’

  ‘Really? After you kiss me, undress in front of me, after we made love? Isn’t there some promise in that?’

  ‘I’m human, too, you know. I wanted those things. I was desperate to have some small part of you back. Maybe I made a mistake. I wanted you back. And I had you. For a while.’

  ‘What does that make me? A bit of fun, some short-term amusement?’

  ‘No, that’s the whole problem,’ Claire said. ‘You’re not just some toy I can throw away when I’m tired of it. I care too much. I feel too much. This would be so easy if you didn’t mean anything to me but you do.’

  ‘Then, there’s hope.’

  She shook her head. ‘There was never hope. We were doomed from the start.’

  ‘Because of the things I did to you, because I was a cruel bastard, because of this past I can’t remember.’

  ‘I’m not blaming you.’

  ‘Well, it feels like it.’

  ‘If you hadn’t lost your memory, Stefan, you’d never have come back to me.’

  He held her gaze. ‘I’m here now. Doesn’t that count for something?’

  ‘It still won’t work. That’s the whole point. You left. You didn’t want me. You didn’t love me.’

  Stefan frowned. ‘I said that?’

  ‘You didn’t have to.’

  ‘What if I get my memory back and I still want you?’

  ‘That won’t happen.’

  ‘Humour me. Just pretend.’

  ‘Okay.’

  Claire took a moment to think. He might have lost his memory but not his intuitive, analytical mind. She wished she wasn’t right, but knew she was.

  ‘The past will still be between us,’ Claire explained. ‘The fact that you left, that you didn’t want me. Those things won’t have changed. You won’t have changed.’

  ‘I’ve changed immeasurably. Amnesia, I’d call that life-changing experience.’

  ‘You’re still the same person at your core, in your heart. And when you build up more life experiences, more memories, you’ll go back to being the man you once were.’

  ‘So you’re not going to even give me the benefit of a doubt?’

  ‘If you come back to me now, you won’t be coming back because you want me, because you love me, but because it’s convenient. Under the circumstances it’s only fair you should want someone to take care of you, someone to share your life with. I don’t hold that against you. But, sooner or later, all the old issues between us will crop up again. It might take months or it years but it’ll happen.’

  Stefan covered his mouth with his fingers, then let his hand drop. ‘For Christ’s sake, do you have any idea what you’re saying?’

  ‘I’ve thought it through many times. It can’t be any other way.’

  ‘I’m not the man I was.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Stefan,’ was all she said.

  Claire saw anger in the tightness of his lips, the clenching of his jaw, the narrowing of his eyes. They glinted with determination.

  Stefan wouldn’t shout at her. She knew that. He didn’t need to raise his voice when there were so many other ways of making her feel like the lowest of the low.

  ‘You’re not getting off that easy,’ he said, as if she didn’t already know. ‘Tell me, Claire, what is it you’re so afraid of? Deep down, what is it that scares you so much you can’t face it?’

  ‘We broke up once before. I can’t go through that again. I
barely survived the first time.’

  ‘So it’s better not to take the risk? You’re going to live your life on the straight and narrow, never veering off the path of righteousness.’ Stefan grabbed arm. ‘You can choose the safe path but that doesn’t mean it’s the right choice, not for you. Surely you want more out of life than that.’

  ‘No,’ Claire said. ‘I don’t.’

  He let his hand drop. ‘You’re lying—to me and to yourself. You want love and passion and intensity and everything that goes along with that. You’re just too scared.’

  She pursed her lips. ‘Maybe I am scared. Maybe I have reason to be.’

  ‘You don’t love me? All this time, you’ve said the problem was that I didn’t love you but maybe it was the other way around.’

  God, how Claire wished that were the case. That would have made him easy to let go of, to send on his way, but nothing about this was easy.

  It was so strange. She was breaking up with him, telling him to leave, yet somehow felt closer to him than ever.

  ‘There’s no difference if I love you or not,’ she said. ‘That won’t make the past not have happened.’

  Stefan shrugged. ‘Then it won’t matter that I think I do love you, that I’m certain I can grow to love you. That certainly won’t be enough.’ His voice was thick with sarcasm. ‘So it’s best we don’t even try. I’ll get my things and move into the other apartment.’

  He stood. As he looked down at her, Claire saw contempt in his eyes. She’d seen that look enough times before to recognise it.

  Dear God, she didn’t want him to go, didn’t want it to be like this, wished there was some other way, wished she could have him for just a few more days. She was desperate, needy, felt pathetic—all those things he’d accused her of being before they’d separated.

  Stefan cringed, his mouth falling open as he dropped down onto the bench, head in his hands.

  Tentatively placing a hand on his shoulder, Claire asked, ‘Are you okay? Have you remembered something?’

  Lifting his head from his hands, Stefan turned to face her, and she instinctively let her hand drop from his shoulder.

  ‘I remember nothing.’ He stood, took a step forward, then looked over his shoulder. ‘And I regret everything.’

  Chapter Twenty

  ‘Soph, I’m so glad I finally got through to you.’ Claire was breathless as she spoke into the phone. ‘I can’t tell you how happy I am that you and the baby are both safe and healthy.’

  ‘I wanted to talk to you sooner, but the doctors said I had to rest,’ Sophie said. ‘Jeff told me I should do what they say.’

  ‘He was right. I’ve spoken to both him and Mum but it’s not the same as hearing your voice.’

  ‘Jeff has been unbelievable. He’s been dozing in my room on this incredibly uncomfortable chair and taking care of William while I’ve slept. It’s been a godsend.’

  ‘And Mum?’

  ‘We sent her back to our place to get a decent night’s sleep. I was so glad to have her here, so relieved when I saw her. You should have seen how much she smiled when she saw her grandchild.’

  ‘I bet she did.’

  Claire heard a small cry down the line, which stopped abruptly. ‘Is that William? That was him, wasn’t it?’

  ‘I’m holding him. He’s just had a feed. I’m not sure what he was complaining about but he seems to be nodding off now.’

  Claire couldn’t believe it was true—her sister had a baby. There was a little person in her arms. Maybe he looked like Soph, maybe he was the spitting image of Jeff, but he’d grow up to be an individual with his own likes and dislikes, his own personality, his own quirks.

  She’s known that both Sophie and the baby were safe because Jeff had told her so, but hearing William brought the full reality home. This was like getting the news all over again, a second joy.

  ‘You’ve got a baby,’ Claire said, stating the obvious.

  Sophie laughed. ‘Well, that was the whole point of this pregnancy thing.’

  ‘William…’

  ‘William Jeffrey Hooper to be exact,’ Sophie said.

  ‘Jeffrey? What’s the matter? Did you run out of names?’

  ‘That name has been in his family for three generations. Jeff didn’t want to pass on the same name to his son. Having the same name had been confusing for him when he was growing up, and he didn’t want to inflict that on us, but it was sort of expected. It’s only his middle name, and Jeff’s family has been wonderful. I thought it was the least we could do.’

  ‘Who does he look like?’

  ‘Jeff, no doubt about it. Only smaller. Honestly, to look at him, you wouldn’t think I’d had anything to do with the birth at all.’

  Sophie was back to her old self. Claire’s eyes filled with tears, but not for herself and not for Matthew. She’d cried those tears already. These were for Sophie and Jeff and William. Happy tears, the best kind, tears of relief. She couldn’t help herself.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Sophie asked. ‘You’ve gone quiet all of a sudden. I’ve been insensitive again, haven’t I? I hope I haven’t upset you.’

  Claire wiped her cheeks. ‘No, this is just how I sound when I’m happy. I can’t wait to see you, all of you. Give it another couple of months and I should be able to take a week off to fly over. So young Will looks like Jeff?’

  ‘Spitting image. Speaking of Jeff, I’ve told him he has to go home today, download the photos and send them to you. Then you can see for yourself.’

  ‘I’d really like that.’

  ‘I’m so glad to have Mum here too. Jeff’s mother is wonderful but it’s not the same.’

  ‘No, it’s not. She’s going to stay on for at least a couple of weeks, isn’t she?’

  ‘I hope so but I’m not sure.’ After a pause, Sophie, added, ‘Mum’s worried about you.’

  ‘I’ll be fine. There’s no need for her to come home right away. Four hours on a plane is a long way, and this is such a momentous occasion.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Of course. She should stay and enjoy being with her grandchild.’

  ‘The doctors want me to spend a whole week in hospital but it’d be nice to have Mum at home with me after that. Jeff has to go back to work and I haven’t seen Mum for so long.’

  ‘Then that’s decided.’

  ‘I’ve been so preoccupied with myself and William that I haven’t even asked how you and Stefan are going,’ Sophie said. ‘Has anything come back to him?’

  ‘Nothing has changed but we’re plodding along. He’s learning more about the day-to-day things he needs to know.’

  This wasn’t the time to tell her sister Stefan had moved back into his old apartment. Claire didn’t want to burst her bubble. Besides which, there was nothing Sophie could do to help, nothing that would change the situation.

  She and Stefan couldn’t be together. It wasn’t the end of the world, only the end of her world, this dream world she’d constructed and had always known wouldn’t last. Dreams never do.

  Life alone would get easier. She’d been through worse. And if she could live without Matthew, she could live without Stefan, too.

  That’s what she told herself.

  If only she believed.

  ‘How can you even suggest we stay here indefinitely?’ With a look of disgust, Barbara Porter’s gaze shifted around the room as if it was a prison and not a luxurious suite, then back at her husband sitting on the other side of the table. ‘That was never the plan. Besides which, we can’t let that woman run our lives for us.’

  ‘This isn’t about her.’ James reached for her hand. ‘It’s about Stefan.’

  Barbara pulled her fingers away, placing her hands on her lap. ‘How can you say that? You’ve seen what she’s done. She’s always twisting our words, trying to turn our son away from us. Not trying, damn it, she’s succeeded. Again.’

  ‘I don’t like her any more than you do but, I repeat, this is not about her. Stefan chose her on
ce before. He may well choose her again. That’s up to him. But what do you want to do? Up and leave this country and never see our son again? Forget about him? He doesn’t know who we are. We don’t mean anything to him anymore and, if we leave now, that’s how it’ll stay.’

  Barbara seemed like she was going to explode, a look he’d seen many times. ‘Stefan has always been different. He never appreciated everything we did for him. Not like Caroline.’

  They’d argued about Caroline the night before. She’d called for a long chat with her mother; they’d talked about shopping and friends and the Caribbean. To hear them speak, you wouldn’t think they had a son or a brother with a disorder that even the doctors didn’t understand.

  James had felt his anger rising and grabbed the phone, asking Caroline why she hadn’t phoned her brother and showed more concern. She insisted she had and, to be fair, she’d called him. Once.

  Eventually, he’d gotten it out of her. Caroline was scared and uncomfortable, didn’t know what to say to Stefan, and didn’t know how to handle the situation. He had to agree with her—that last part was patently clear.

  If it’s hard for you, he’d said, think about how damn hard it is for your brother.

  Caroline and Barbara were like two peas in a pod. He loved them both, but this wasn’t about them and he wouldn’t let his wife turn the conversation around.

  Stefan had always been more like James and not just in looks. His academic talent had come directly from his father, as had his ambitious streak and leadership skills, but Stefan had always been his own man. He’d started off as a little clone but he’d changed. For better or worse, they had to accept that.

  ‘Stefan will get his memory back,’ Barbara stated. ‘One day, he will remember us.’

  ‘I believe that, too.’ James glanced upwards. ‘God willing. But in the meantime, we have to deal with it.’

  ‘We can’t stay here forever. We have commitments and obligations at home in New York.’

  ‘You have social engagements. I have business obligations but I can deal with those via the phone and email, by putting a hold on some things and delegating others. I’m not talking about forever. This is just for a few weeks, maybe a few months.’